Just Enough to Love You
by 213xcreep
Summary: If Hikaru had to pick between Kaoru and Haruhi, who would he pick? /May be triggering.
1. Red Tissues

Kaoru hated seeing them together.  
Seeing the way he looks at her, it disgusts him and breaks him completely. It's probably the most intense emotion he's ever felt.

"Kaoru, are you okay?" Kaoru glanced over at the brunette shrieking at him. He just smiled and nodded at her.

_'I honestly can't even remember her name, it's not a surprise since every single person here in a shallow cookie cutter double of the next. Everyone has trouble telling us apart, I don't see how they can tell everyone else apart.'_ Kaoru thought apathetically, breaking eye contact with her.

"Aww, Kaoru's jealous because Hika's with Haruhi, how cute!" Another squealed. Is it really that easy to tell?

"No I'm not, I'm just a little preoccupied, I have a lot of homework. I'm really sorry," Kaoru said with a plastic smile, "besides, I'm fine as long as you're here." He finished with another big grin.

_'Spectacular performance, Kaoru.'_

Kaoru focused his attention back to them. He's grinning, he brushes wisps away from the contour of her cheek. She's yelling at him..

_'He's way too good for her. Ungrateful bitch.'_ Hikaru's still smiling, but Kaoru can tell he's hurt.

_'I hope every rejection fucking breaks him. No. I hope they'll be together someday. He'd never have the same feelings for me anyway, it's all an act, it's weird that I have feelings for him. It's beyond weird. It breaks taboo and forbidden. I hate myself for liking him, what's wrong with me? It's better that he's happy than me, anyway.. I suppose I can't blame myself, with all the nights we've had, but it was all meaningless to him.'_ Tears were welling up in his eyes, his legs were shaking, he couldn't be in here.

"I'll be right back, girls." Kaoru stood up and glanced around, no one's watching.

_'No one cares about me at all. Especially not Hikaru.'_ He started heading towards the door. Hikaru looked at him for a split second, and averted his gaze as quick as it had come.

_'Why doesn't he fucking care? Fine. If that's how it'll be, so be it.'_

"Kaoru, where do you think you're going?" The corridor was empty, except that lone voice. He paused and turned around to see Kyoya.

"Just going to the restroom," he said flatly. His fake barrier of happiness was down, he wasn't putting forth the effort to put it back up just for him.

"Alright. Don't go during club hours again, time is money." Kyoya said unsympathetically.

Kaoru ignored him and turned back to head to the bathroom.

_'I'm crying, and what he cares about is money? Selfish bastard. Figures. I'm not fucking surprised, everyone puts anything above me, I'm always the last priority. I don't matter. Scratch that, never a priority at all. Why am I so damn high maintenance?'_

He went in the bathroom and approached the mirror. His hair was flat and disheveled, random bits flaring up like tiny flames. His eyes were amber, flecked with gold, contrasting against the purple, puffy rims and splotchy, red cheeks. He scoffed at his reflection mockingly.

_'I deserve to be miserable, considering how much of a freak and a screw up I am.'_

Kaoru went in the stall and sunk to the floor, tugging down his pants, exposing his jittery legs. He traced his finger over his pale thigh, feeling its smoothness. Smooth as glass. He dug around in his jacket and pulled it out, his secret to happiness.

_'Only reliable "friend" I've got.'_

He brought it to eye level. It's funny how something so small can make such a difference, isn't it? He touched his fingertip to the edge lightly, testing its strength. Still sharp.

_'I'm so fucking pathetic. No friends, sitting alone in a locked bathroom stall, lusting after my own twin brother, contemplating dancing a razor into my skin.'_

He looked back at his thigh. The scars are so light, it wasn't deep, the skin's still so smooth.

_'Can't even self destruct properly, can you, Kaoru?'_

He slashed once. Twice. Many, many more times, his thigh now covered with the shallow hesitation marks, leaving a rush, a blood induced high. He leaned his heavy head back against the stall wall and let his groggy vision glaze over his eyes. He let hasty breaths out and attempted to shake his hazy vision back to focus. The pretty, scarlet little cuts were hardly bleeding, the blood already coagulating. He pivoted the razor and pressed it back on his skin, pushing all his effort into it. He went over it again. And again. And again. His thigh was now dripping blood. He watched it roll off his thigh and splatter the clean white linoleum. It looked beautiful, almost picturesque. Beautiful in it's own way, its imperfection. It was everywhere, his pants have tiny maroon freckles, as well as the floor. He let out a small, breathy laugh of relief.

_'I suppose it makes me happy seeing my body in misery, in pain, seeing my red life spill out, it reminds me of death. But also of birth and renewal. If that makes any sense. Fuck if I know.'_

He felt calm, at peace. He wrapped his hand in toilet paper, making a glove, blotting it against the tiny red dots and clumps, mopping up the floor. He wiped off the razor and pulled out the gauze, wrapping it tightly around and around.

_'As if I need it. I can hardly cut properly.'_

"Kaoru, are you in here?"


	2. Empty Pillow Talk

He quickly flushed the wads of crimson toilet paper, put the razor away, pulled up his pants and stood up.

'_Who is that and what the Hell do they want?_'

"Uh, yeah, be out in a sec." He slowly opened the stall door, still out of focus, he faked a smile again. Tamaki.

"I saw you before you left, you looked upset. Hey, there's blood on your pants. Did you get hurt?" Tamaki pressed.

"No, I'm alright. Let's go back." Kaoru deadpanned.

"No, you need to go to the nurse. You're bleeding." Tamaki insisted.

'_God, how fucking annoying are you going to be?!_'

"I was sitting down and got a nosebleed. It got on my pants. I'm fine. Let's go."

"Alright." Tamaki said wearily, heading towards the door.

* * *

/3 months prior/

* * *

"Kaoruuu!" Hikaru said in a singsong voice, while throwing his arm around Kaoru.

"Hikaru, Mom will be home any minute-"

"Shh. We'll be fine." Hikaru took another drink and draped his arm around Kaoru, kissed his head, and ruffled his hair. He leaned over and kissed him, while cradling Kaoru's cheek. They parted their lips and widened the kiss, their tongues embracing. Hikaru pinned him against the wall, putting his hand on the wall beside Kaoru. Kaoru looked in Hikaru's eyes, but they were scanning down, observing Kaoru.

"Hikaru-"

"Shhh." Hikaru cooed.

"This isn't right. We aren't supposed to do this." Kaoru looked at the ground, looking guilty.

"Who cares? No one has to know. Besides, I like breaking the rules." Hikaru kissed Kaoru's cheek.

"Alright." Kaoru felt guilty, but he didn't care anymore. He trusted Hikaru more than his instincts. That was when he realized he liked Hikaru. Like, in "that" way. Sweet nothings whispered in his ear, tickling his neck. How could he not fall for him, when Hikaru was pulling him down? And it was pretty damn convincing. Maybe Kaoru had always liked him, shoving away the thoughts of Hikaru with "What? That's crazy. He's my brother. I'm just getting too sucked into my role. Our act." But the thoughts were always there, hiding in the corners of his mind, corrupting his conscience. Hikaru slowly nuzzled against Kaoru's ear, nibbling on it.

"Hikaru, are you sure?" Kaoru said worriedly, in a hushed voice just above a whisper.

"Shh. Why are you so worried?" His words sounded like honey, ebbing away at Kaoru's guilty thoughts. His words vibrated against Kaoru's neck, his breath warm. Hikaru kissed Kaoru's skin, sucking on it gently, leaving a rosy bruise. He felt Kaoru's chest tighten as he inhaled, reacting to every touch. He looked up, Kaoru's eyes were closed and his lips pursed. Hikaru smirked, pleased with the reaction he caused.

Hikaru let his hands trail down, and under Kaoru's shirt. He ran his hand up Kaoru's smooth stomach, stopping at his chest to explore the familiar body. He knew every crevice by memory from his own identical figure, but Kaoru's felt immensely different. He brushed over Kaoru's nipple, circling a fingertip around it. Kaoru gasped in response to Hikaru's cold fingertips brushing deliberately against him. Hikaru took off Kaoru's shirt, exposing the porcelain body. Kaoru stumbled forward, hazily removing Hikaru's as well.

Hikaru led Kaoru to the floor, lying on top of him. He kissed Kaoru, one hand propped against the carpet to support his weight. Kaoru entangled his fingers through Hikaru's hair, running his fingers across Hikaru's hair. Hikaru broke away from the kiss, both breathless and red-faced. He went down on Kaoru, leaving a trail of tiny kisses along his collarbone, chest, and navel, covering him gently, like little butterflies fluttering against Kaoru's torso.

Hikaru went down to Kaoru's pants, unbuttoning and unzipping them. He pulled Kaoru's pants off his slender, clean legs, and Kaoru followed suit. Hikaru ran his hand over Kaoru's boxers, feeling him through the fabric.

"Hikaru!" Kaoru cried as he bit his lip, sensitive to his touch. Hikaru pulled off Kaoru's boxers, and his own after. Hikaru reached down and stroked Kaoru, hearing him moan. Kaoru pulled Hikaru's hair tighter as Hikaru continued moving his fingers along him, Kaoru's hips moved forward towards Hikaru's hand, slipping out another moan. Hikaru leaned over to his nightstand, grabbing the small bottle of lube.

"Why do you even have that?" Kaoru asked.

"Just in case? Don't ask, it's not a big deal." Hikaru responded, opening the bottle. He slathered it on, getting his dick and fingers covered. He rolled back to the floor where Kaoru still lied.

"This will probably hurt. Are you sure?" Hikaru asked.

"Yeah." Kaoru squeaked, biting his lip.

Kaoru rolled over on his stomach propping on his hands and knees. Hikaru spread his legs and put a finger in, moving slowly. Then two, and three, watching Kaoru squirm.

"Are you okay?" Hikaru said.

"Yeah. Just go ahead." Kaoru pressed his fingernails into his palms, his fists balled. Hikaru put himself in slowly, being careful to avoid hurting Kaoru.

"I'm fine, go faster." Kaoru said quietly. Hikaru increased in speed, still being careful.

"Still okay?" Hikaru grunted.

"Y-Yeah. Faster." Kaoru said timidly. Hikaru only hesitated slightly, speeding up his thrusts while reaching around to feel Kaoru's member, wrapping his hand around it and pumping it. Kaoru moaned at his touch, overwhelmed from it. Hikaru pushed faster, hitting Kaoru's spot repeatedly.

"Hikaru!" Kaoru screamed, reaching his climax, spilling out onto the carpet. Hikaru pulled out as he climaxed, and they both flopped down onto the floor, breathing heavily, covered in sweat. Hikaru looked over at Kaoru, pushing Kaoru's hair behind his ears, and staring into his eyes. He rolled over and grabbed the sheet from the bed, cleaning off himself, Kaoru, and the floor.

"C'mon. Let's go take a shower." Hikaru said.


	3. Games

They were back in the club room, chatting idly. Kaoru's legs were crossed, hiding the crimson freckles scattered across his pant's thigh.

"Kaoru, nice to see you!" One of the girls shouted.

'_Who the Hell are you?_'

"Nice to see you too." Kaoru smiled timidly.

'_I'm just playing the game._' The chatter went on, all inaudible to Kaoru. He couldn't care less.

'_Like I'm supposed to. Is this my purpose, all I'm good for? Satisfying crazed ladies, who I couldn't give a damn about? "All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players." How true is that?_'

"Haruhi, there's this new restaurant down the street from my house, it looks good. Do you want to get dinner tomorrow?" Hikaru asked, ignoring the crowd of women intently watching all their movements.

"Um, sure." Haruhi said flatly.

'_What the Hell? Is this the part where I'm supposed to be vulnerable? Hurt? No. I'm pissed. He's just lucky Tamaki left before hearing that. I shouldn't be jealous, should I? I shouldn't even consider thoughts like that. I got too into my role, took on the character and made it reality. Now isn't the time to improvise the script._'

"Aww, Hikaru, what about me?" Kaoru whined, crossing his arms with a dramatic pout.

"Don't be jealous, Kaoru, green doesn't suit you." He said teasingly, his face lowered to Kaoru's, looking into his eyes with sincerity. He ruffled Kaoru's hair with a fake, playful smile, hiding the cruelty behind it. He meant it. Did all those nights mean nothing, suddenly invalid?

'_What was that look in his eye, behind his mask? Was it a warning to not bring up Haruhi or interfere? I guess my acting fell flat and my genuine vulnerability shone through, but his mask is as frail as mine. Can no one else tell? We both know this isn't just a story; it's real. So, when did we stop acting?_'

"AWW~!" The girls yelled. The bell rang, announcing the end of the day. They all scattered out the door, chattering and squealing as usual.

"Hey, Kaoru, head home without me, I'm going to the library." Hikaru said monotonously.

_'Do you hate me now? What did I ever do to you? Are we not going to talk about this, ever? Is this all in my head, overplaying his actions?_'

"Alright." Kaoru replied, heading out of the club's door. The hallways were busy, but the haziness blurred all the noisy figures together, not able to focus. He left the building and headed to the car, where the driver expected him, swung open the door, and slumped onto the car's back seat.

"What about Hikaru, Sir?" He asked.

"He's at the library, he's walking home." Kaoru said flatly.

"Okay, Sir." The conversation ended, silence flooding the ride home. They arrived at his house after only ten minutes.

"Thank you." Kaoru said, walking up to and opening the door to the empty house, and then slamming it.

'_I can't stand this. I can't stand liking Hikaru. I can't stand not knowing what to do about it._'

He took the razor back out.

'_Twice in one day? Am I really that out of control? Do I actually care at this point?_' He rolled up his sleeve, slashing at it. He let it stain the sleeve and dribble down his forearm, hitting the floor.

'_I'll clean it up later._' Kaoru went to the bathroom, starting the bath. He undressed, letting the blood smear against the jacket's fabric, and took off the rest of his garments. The water was too hot, stinging his cuts and turning his flesh pink gradually. He exhaled, and sunk down in the tub, slowly lulling to sleep.

* * *

"Kaoru?!" Hikaru yelled, banging on the locked door.

"Yeah, what is it?" Kaoru said groggily, his eyelids slowly opening. The water was lukewarm, tinged with a hint of pink.

"There's fucking blood in front of the doorway. Are you okay?" Hikaru hissed.

'_Shit!_'

"I had a nosebleed, I was going to clean it up after my bath, but I fell asleep. Sorry, I'll get it in a minute." Kaoru said wearily.

"Fine. I'm waiting here. I need to talk to you. You really fucking scared me." Hikaru snapped.

Kaoru got out of the tub, draining the water. His clothes and even towel were stained, he couldn't hide it all.

'_Just a nosebleed._'

Kaoru opened the door, towel at his waist loosely and clothes in a crumpled heap curled in his arms against his chest. He unlocked the door and opened it, seeing Hikaru's angry face.

"I can't believe you would just leave blood on the floor, Jesus, It's all over your clothes too!" Hikaru bent down to look at the towel, blotched with red, examining it roughly. The towel fell slightly, exposing his scarred thigh for a split second. As Kaoru wrapped the towel back around, his arm flashed as well.

"What's this?" Hikaru grabbed Kaoru's wrist.

"Why would you do that?" Hikaru's eyebrows furrowed in frustration.

"I just.. I haven't been feeling well. It isn't your business." Kaoru muttered.

"You mutilating yourself doesn't concern me? Fine. Have it your way." Hikaru walked away, slamming the door as he went to the guest bedroom. Kaoru sighed and walked to his bedroom, lying down on the bed, still towel clad.

'_I just need to sleep.._'

* * *

_"Kaoru, are you jealous of Haruhi? We're going to be together eventually. What we had wasn't anything serious, don't you get it? I thought you did before, now I'm not sure. I don't like being mean to you, but this is really getting frustrating. I can see through you. We're brothers, remember? We can't be together, like that. I still love you, because you're family. But I can hardly tolerate you anymore."_

_"Family doesn't fuck family, don't **you** get it?! You're the one who started this!"_

* * *

Kaoru woke up, shaking his head.

'_Wow, some dream._' He scoffed to himself, wiping away the tears that formed in his sleep.

'_Pathetic._'


	4. Epilogue

Back in the club room, same routine. The dream shook Kaoru, snapping him a little further into reality. Did Hikaru really hate him as it seemed?

The routine was different. Utter silence between the twins, not even a glance shared. Instead, Hikaru's glances were shared with Haruhi.

"Are we still going out today?" Hikaru asked, breaking the silence. He had a shine in his eye, and a small smile on his face.

"Yeah." Haruhi said softly, looking content. The bell rang, Kaoru practically sprinted out.

'_If games and acts have turned real, will dreams turn real, too? If this is the best it gets, is it worth going through?_' Kaoru was already out of the school and in the car.

"Hikaru's busy again." Kaoru said flatly. He wanted time to go as fast as his thoughts, as fast as his heartbeat.

"Yes, Sir." He drove back to the same house, the same routine, only different this time. Kaoru always knew it was real, but this time it felt morbidly real. Hitting him like a wave in a hurricane, too fast to comprehend.

'_Hikaru's the upgrade of me. No one needs me, they have him. If even he doesn't need me, what's my purpose?_' Kaoru went to his parents' bedroom, vacant as always. He opened the wardrobe, and took out the small box.

_'Isn't it funny that Mom and Dad keep this for our protection? Who would've imagined this is what it would be used for?_' Kaoru let out a breathy, relieved laugh.

'_This is the last day I ever have to deal with anything. This is the only thing that's relieved me in a while. I really am crazy, aren't I?_' He carried the box to his bed.

'_Only 3:15. He won't be home anytime soon._' He took out a notebook and a pen from his bedside table.

_'This isn't anybody's fault._  
_Don't feel guilty._  
_I have been inflicted with depression, and pain I cannot cope with._  
_I had no other choice. Don't be sad for me, I'm not even a dent in the population. As insignificant as a speck of dust is to us people. I really don't matter in the whole of anything. If anyone disagrees, I'm sorry, but as you can see, I've made up my mind. Don't mourn for me, you haven't lost me. Life lost me. I lost me._  
_Goodbye, I still love you all. _  
_-Kaoru.'_

He set down the pen, wiping tears away from his puffy eyes, finally opening the small box, revealing the handgun. He held it up, and admired it.

"I guess this is it." He said to himself, holding the gun up to his chest. He pulled the trigger, his final movement.

* * *

Hikaru came home, clicking the front door open. He walked around the house, Kaoru wasn't making any noise.

_'He's probably sleeping. At least there's no Goddamn blood on the floor today._' He went to his room, trying to open the door, but it was locked.

"Kaoru? You in there?" No response.

"Fuck, fine, be difficult." He headed to the front door, grabbing the master key to all the rooms, and headed back to the bedroom. He unlocked it, opening the door. The white carpet was splattered red, Kaoru lying on the floor on his stomach.

"Kaoru?! Please tell me this is a joke! C'mon, get up, this isn't fucking funny! Kaoru, please.." He yelled from the doorway, wiping away tears. He walked over to the bed. He picked up the note with a shaky hand, reading it, gasping and covering his mouth.

_'Fuck! Why would he do this? Kaoru, I'm sorry.._' Hikaru let out choked sobs, his throat turning raw and eyes purple. He pulled out his cell phone to dial the emergency number.

"Hello, what's your emergency?"

"I-I think my brother killed himself." He gasped at his own words with wide eyes, still in disbelief. He gave the operator his address.

"We'll send a dispatcher and ambulance right away." Hikaru sat on the floor, letting his head sink into his hands.

'_How could I let this happen? And to think the last words I told him were so angry.. Why would he do this?_' He flipped back through the notebook, reading diary entries, detailing Kaoru's every thought. There was a pound at the door. Hikaru ran quickly to the door, opening it. The medics examined Kaoru, declaring him deceased. Answering medics' questions, answering policemen's questions. They pulled Kaoru away on a gurney, his blood still lining the carpet and walls, Hikaru still sitting on the floor.

'_I thought we were just having fun, I didn't think this would happen.. Did I like him in that way? I didn't want him to be jealous of me talking to Haruhi, I didn't think it would be the other way 'round.. I think the worst part is knowing that I caused this, and maybe I didn't have mutual romantic feelings. I had to have, didn't I? But I know I like Haruhi, was that fake? I can't tell anymore.. I should have paid more attention.._' Hikaru couldn't gather his thoughts, all running together without recognition. He picked the phone back up, calling his mother, calling his friends, calling the school, calling the funeral home.

"The funeral will be on Tuesday, 11 a.m."


	5. Aftermath

Everyone was donned in black, stained with the impression of tears.  
"How are you holding up, Hikaru? I'm so sorry." Haruhi said quietly. Hikaru didn't say anything. He walked over to the casket, it only showed his face, hiding his mutilated chest. Hikaru stood, looking at Kaoru's face. It was pale. The most pale Hikaru's ever seen. Even in death, he matched Kaoru, his face also pale from crying.

'_I'm so sorry, Kaoru._' He stroked Kaoru's face, frozen cold.

* * *

/A week later/

* * *

It was the first time Hikaru went back to school since the incident. He sat in the club room, silent.

'_Is this how Kaoru always felt? I can't believe I made him feel like that, and I still don't know how I feel about him liking me. Am I a terrible person if I don't like him? Am I a terrible person for liking my own twin brother? I'm fucked either way, who does it satisfy to torture myself for answers?_'

"Ahh, Hikaru, I'm so sorry! Are you okay?" The girls yelled, over and over, waiting for a response from him.

"Sorry? You're fucking sorry? I don't care! That won't bring him back!" Hikaru stood up and yelled.

"Hika, don't be mad! It isn't your fault!" They squealed.

"Not my fault? You don't know a fucking thing! Did you have to see him splayed out? Did you see the color of the blood on the walls? Did you see the note, the journal entries? No, only I did! ME. I think I know who can be blamed. It is my fucking fault, you don't know a Goddamn thing about what happened or who's to blame, so fuck off!" Hikaru stormed towards the door.

"Hikaru-" Haruhi said softly, reaching her hand out.

"I can't talk about this anymore." He whispered, leaving. He ran out the school, ran all the way to his house, out of breath, tear streaked, and red faced. Despite the events, his parents still didn't stay. Always away on business, never at home, never helping, never caring.

The room was still the same, still tinged brown, the note still there, gun on the ground. He couldn't bring himself to leave the last bits of Kaoru in an old washcloth. He laid down by the blood, holding the gun.

'_I'm so sorry Kaoru, I'll see you soon._' He picked up the gun, kissed it, and aimed it at his chest, pulling the final trigger.


End file.
